Part One
Chapter V
If The Shoe Fits, Try It On
"Emily, you haven't said a word since we left the motel. Are you okay?"
With a week like I just had, how could anyone be anything but okay? But I was not okay. I was torn. I wish I had never gone along with her.
"All week long you had this look in your eyes, and I could tell you forgot all about Brandon, and now what? You're back to moping not even an hour after leaving?"
"It's not Brandon."
"Then what is it?"
I tried ignoring her, but I could tell out of the corner of my eye she was staring at me waiting for an answer.
"Leave me alone, I'm driving."
I leaned and turned the radio up hoping this diversion would get her off my case for a ltitle while. I was wrong, she turned it right back down.
"No. What's wrong?"
I felt so used, so hypocritical, and I knew she hated me. I had no idea who she was, but she hated me, I was sure of it.
"Do you already miss him?"
"I told you it's not about Brandon!"
"I meant Josh."
Did I miss him? Jean was right, for the last week there was no thought of Brandon going through my mind at all, and it was all thanks to Josh. On the other hand, how could he do that to me? How could he do that to her?
"I'll take that as a yes?"
"No. I don't miss him, that's a ridiculous assumption."
"Oh. Well that's too bad then."
I could see out of the corner of my eye she stopped staring at me and gell back into her seat, not because she was done talking to me, but because she was waiting for my curiosity to eat at me to find out what she had meant by that. I was hardly in the mood for games.
"Yeah, too bad."
"Well I'm just saying. Alex invited us to go up and visit him next week, and I figured you might want to go and see Josh again."
"Alex?"
"Yeah. Josh's friend? Remember him?"
"Josh always called him Bateman, I never knew his first name."
"Well whatever his name is, he invited us to go up and visit him. Him and Josh."
That would be perfect. A week with me, Josh, and...
"He has a girlfriend."
"Alex?!"
"No. Josh has a girlfriend."
"Really? He didn't act like he had a girlfriend when he was around you."
Tell me about it. I could only keep replaying that second night with him, the night after I met him in the bar.
"You're not like most girls are you?"
"How so?"
We were about to go to bed, in his room since Alex and Jean were shacked up in the room I was supposed to be staying in. We kissed the night before, but that was it. Most guys given the chance to share a room alone with me would have tried for much more. I was surprised, but appreciated the fact he acted like a gentleman. It was only a week before that I broke up with Brandon, and I just was not ready for a one night stand.
"I'm not really sure, I just know you're nothing like any girl I've ever met."
"You're not really like any guy I've met either, most guys would have tried to make some kind of move by now."
I really did not want anything to happen between us, but he just had a way of making me feel so comfortable around him. He made me feel special, like there really was no one else like me. Maybe it was just the temptation of lying in a bed with him, alone, for the second night in a row.
"Well, to be honest with you Emily."
He turned away from looking at me and stared at the ceiling for a second, trying to grab at what he was about to say, then he turned back to me.
"The reason I haven't really tried anything,"
I knew what was coming, and I did not want to hear it. Looking back it was my own fault, he tried telling me, I refused to let him. Instead of hearing why, I kissed him, then rolled up next to him. That is how it all began. He wanted to tell me the truth, he was trying to find a way out. He was feeling guilty for it already and I pushed him further into it. What if that is what happened to Brandon? What if he tried to tell that girl, but she did not let him get the words out. The blame is still there, but maybe this was not what he was planning on. Although I think I will never be able to forgive him, I could almost relate to Brandon through some of this.
"So Emily, did you want to go up with me?"
I know Jean really wanted to go and see Alex again, but what would I do up there? If he told his girlfriend about me, I would just make things worse by showing up, and if he was hiding it from her and she found out because I was up there, that would be even worse. As much as I pretend to care about the truth, I wish I never found the underwear beneath Brandon's seat. I wish at times Jean never saw him with that girl, or at least never told me.
"I don't want to complicate the whole thing by showing up unannounced."
Jean looked disappointed, but after a prating like that, what would I even say to him? Truth us I was not all too worried about making things hard for Josh, I just hoped to save a girl from learning something that she could never forget.
"You know Josh, I don't want to seem like the week long fling that doesn't see what she had was just that, a fling, but..."
"No, I'm not like that, you're not just some girl I met at a bar one week in Canada."
I smiled, he smiled back, but it seemed vaguely insincere.
"Well you know, we're only about forty-five minutes away from each other, so if you wanted to hang out sometime, I suppose..."
"Emily, there's something I need to tell you."
Even his fake smile faded with those words.
"I, well, I have a girlfriend. This week was amazing, and I meant everything I said to you, this wasn't just some fling for me. I'm really not normally like that. My girlfriend and I though, well we're pretty serious, and I love her. I just think that, in retrospect, this week has been a bad mistake."
I barely knew him, no real attachment has been made so it was not as hurtful as it could have been, but I think I fell a little too hard for those words said in between the sheets.
"So, when you were saying you've never met anyone like me before you were just..."
"I haven't met anyone like you before. That is why this week was so hard. In another lifetime, someone like you, and someone like me could probably have something unparallel to anything, but this isn't another lifetime, and I have someone waiting for me back home."
I slapped him. I can't say I expected anything more out of meeting a random guy at a motel in Canada, but the way he talked to me, the way he looked at me, he sold me a lie that I bought into with everything. Alex and Jean came around the corner in Alex's car, Jean got out and Josh just stood there looking at me. I turned and left him there staring back at me. The only thing on my mind was getting my clothes and getting the hell out of there.
"Emily, you haven't said a word since we left the motel. Are you okay?"
With a week like I just had, how could anyone be anything but okay? But I was not okay. I was torn. I wish I had never gone along with her.
"All week long you had this look in your eyes, and I could tell you forgot all about Brandon, and now what? You're back to moping not even an hour after leaving?"
"It's not Brandon."
"Then what is it?"
I tried ignoring her, but I could tell out of the corner of my eye she was staring at me waiting for an answer.
"Leave me alone, I'm driving."
I leaned and turned the radio up hoping this diversion would get her off my case for a ltitle while. I was wrong, she turned it right back down.
"No. What's wrong?"
I felt so used, so hypocritical, and I knew she hated me. I had no idea who she was, but she hated me, I was sure of it.
"Do you already miss him?"
"I told you it's not about Brandon!"
"I meant Josh."
Did I miss him? Jean was right, for the last week there was no thought of Brandon going through my mind at all, and it was all thanks to Josh. On the other hand, how could he do that to me? How could he do that to her?
"I'll take that as a yes?"
"No. I don't miss him, that's a ridiculous assumption."
"Oh. Well that's too bad then."
I could see out of the corner of my eye she stopped staring at me and gell back into her seat, not because she was done talking to me, but because she was waiting for my curiosity to eat at me to find out what she had meant by that. I was hardly in the mood for games.
"Yeah, too bad."
"Well I'm just saying. Alex invited us to go up and visit him next week, and I figured you might want to go and see Josh again."
"Alex?"
"Yeah. Josh's friend? Remember him?"
"Josh always called him Bateman, I never knew his first name."
"Well whatever his name is, he invited us to go up and visit him. Him and Josh."
That would be perfect. A week with me, Josh, and...
"He has a girlfriend."
"Alex?!"
"No. Josh has a girlfriend."
"Really? He didn't act like he had a girlfriend when he was around you."
Tell me about it. I could only keep replaying that second night with him, the night after I met him in the bar.
"You're not like most girls are you?"
"How so?"
We were about to go to bed, in his room since Alex and Jean were shacked up in the room I was supposed to be staying in. We kissed the night before, but that was it. Most guys given the chance to share a room alone with me would have tried for much more. I was surprised, but appreciated the fact he acted like a gentleman. It was only a week before that I broke up with Brandon, and I just was not ready for a one night stand.
"I'm not really sure, I just know you're nothing like any girl I've ever met."
"You're not really like any guy I've met either, most guys would have tried to make some kind of move by now."
I really did not want anything to happen between us, but he just had a way of making me feel so comfortable around him. He made me feel special, like there really was no one else like me. Maybe it was just the temptation of lying in a bed with him, alone, for the second night in a row.
"Well, to be honest with you Emily."
He turned away from looking at me and stared at the ceiling for a second, trying to grab at what he was about to say, then he turned back to me.
"The reason I haven't really tried anything,"
I knew what was coming, and I did not want to hear it. Looking back it was my own fault, he tried telling me, I refused to let him. Instead of hearing why, I kissed him, then rolled up next to him. That is how it all began. He wanted to tell me the truth, he was trying to find a way out. He was feeling guilty for it already and I pushed him further into it. What if that is what happened to Brandon? What if he tried to tell that girl, but she did not let him get the words out. The blame is still there, but maybe this was not what he was planning on. Although I think I will never be able to forgive him, I could almost relate to Brandon through some of this.
"So Emily, did you want to go up with me?"
I know Jean really wanted to go and see Alex again, but what would I do up there? If he told his girlfriend about me, I would just make things worse by showing up, and if he was hiding it from her and she found out because I was up there, that would be even worse. As much as I pretend to care about the truth, I wish I never found the underwear beneath Brandon's seat. I wish at times Jean never saw him with that girl, or at least never told me.
"I don't want to complicate the whole thing by showing up unannounced."
Jean looked disappointed, but after a prating like that, what would I even say to him? Truth us I was not all too worried about making things hard for Josh, I just hoped to save a girl from learning something that she could never forget.
"You know Josh, I don't want to seem like the week long fling that doesn't see what she had was just that, a fling, but..."
"No, I'm not like that, you're not just some girl I met at a bar one week in Canada."
I smiled, he smiled back, but it seemed vaguely insincere.
"Well you know, we're only about forty-five minutes away from each other, so if you wanted to hang out sometime, I suppose..."
"Emily, there's something I need to tell you."
Even his fake smile faded with those words.
"I, well, I have a girlfriend. This week was amazing, and I meant everything I said to you, this wasn't just some fling for me. I'm really not normally like that. My girlfriend and I though, well we're pretty serious, and I love her. I just think that, in retrospect, this week has been a bad mistake."
I barely knew him, no real attachment has been made so it was not as hurtful as it could have been, but I think I fell a little too hard for those words said in between the sheets.
"So, when you were saying you've never met anyone like me before you were just..."
"I haven't met anyone like you before. That is why this week was so hard. In another lifetime, someone like you, and someone like me could probably have something unparallel to anything, but this isn't another lifetime, and I have someone waiting for me back home."
I slapped him. I can't say I expected anything more out of meeting a random guy at a motel in Canada, but the way he talked to me, the way he looked at me, he sold me a lie that I bought into with everything. Alex and Jean came around the corner in Alex's car, Jean got out and Josh just stood there looking at me. I turned and left him there staring back at me. The only thing on my mind was getting my clothes and getting the hell out of there.
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